Making It
Hello Sunshines!
I haven't posted in a very long time and this bums me out to no end. I love writing for you and giving you insight on my life. It brings me joy to release things going on in my life to hopefully give you courage to release pains or trials your experiencing. That is the theme of this post, my trials and pains I have experienced this semester.
My goal here is to not seek sympathy or attention, but to help you bring attention to things in your life that may need peace. Enjoy loves!
I'll admit it, the first couple weeks of college were absolutely amazing. I made so many friends and memories (especially in the rain). I enjoyed going to all the first week activities and the first week of classes. I was excited and couldn't wait to see where this semester would lead me.
All amazing things! I even got to start my dance club with some friends. It didn't last long, but I plan on doing it more again next semester!
But then the real kicker hit. I experienced my first sickness away from home and missed 2 classes my first week. At that moment, all I wanted was to be home with my family. I missed everything familiar and wanted to push out the unfamiliar. It didn't matter what I did, everywhere I looked and everything tried made me want to be home more than ever. I think the worst thing I ever did was not tell my family or any of my new friends what I was experiencing. It wasn't shame, it was a sense of trusting and not hurting others.
Eventually, I told my closest friend, Haley, how bad I missed home and she surprised me with a candle that smelled like Colorado. I broke down in tears when I smelled it for the first time because it reminded me of the things I loved so much back home. A floor activity in my residence hall involved painting puzzle pieces. So I painted a Colorado flag to show my pride and love for my home state. Over time I realized, Colorado isn't gone, it's a part of me and always will be.
Cool, I came to terms with the fact I wasn't home. But that didn't solve the homesickness. I still felt a growing pain in my heart that I wasn't home and did not know who to turn to or lean on. Then I went on a retreat at a Catholic community on campus and I found the greatest family created in faith I could have ever asked for at that time.
They were the answer to my prayers I spent so much time saying. I wanted, no, needed this community in my life.
At this point I thought, "I got it now, nothing else can go super wrong."...I had my hope, unfortunately that hope got even more tried with time. The homesickness was at a stable area now, but then I started to drift back to my old self. The person I didn't want to be anymore because that version of me fell from faith and lost trust of those she loved.
I was being exposed to people and things at such a high rate I was losing my strength and capabilities to fight against it. I knew deep down who I was and wanted to be, but I started hiding it out of fear of losing new friends or acceptance. I said things I am not proud of and beat myself up more than I care to mention now, but at that time, I felt defeated.
Then I woke up one morning and saw this...
The sun shined almost every day that week, but that particular day was different.
It was familiar.
This sun shining reminded me of waking up to the sun every morning back home.
That simple reminder gave me the regenerated hope I needed to fight past my trials.
Now it wasn't as easy as 1, 2, 3 before I was back to myself. I would say, now, I am about 98% of the way there. The difference is I am more aware of it and am willing to do anything to prevent it from getting worse.
Now at this point I was thinking, "It can't get much worse than what I have already experienced." For the most part, it didn't. I was attending sport games, hanging out with friends, doing well in my classes, and going to the gym. I even went downtown with my close friend, Sydney, and ended up coming back with an internship offer. Yes, life living in a new environment was finally blossoming.
Then the news hit...My grandmother's (seen above) health was plummeting and I was told on a Friday in October she won't make it much longer. She passed away on Sunday. I never thought living away from home was going to be as difficult as it was in that moment. Being away from my family and trying to process a loss without the physical comfort of my family was beyond anything I have ever experienced.
That week was honestly one of the hardest weeks of my life. I wasn't sleeping, I distanced myself from everyone, and found it hard to smile. All I could was keep praying until I got on an airplane to the funeral that weekend. That was a crazy 3 days, but it was what I needed.
Despite all the hardships and brick walls I hit this semester, it was still an amazing and fulfilling experience. If there is one thing I know for sure is that I will always take each trouble and build my path.
"Take every brick and let it crumble until it becomes dust to build your path." ~ Deb Zerr
xoxo Sunshines!!